My six month prayer for healing

It has been six months since October 7th. Six months ago: everything changed. Our broken, traumatized/traumatizing and divisive world became even more terrifying and polarizing. We have turned on one another and on ourselves and against others in ways that are splitting and dissociative and lethal. Our hearts and souls have been crushed… our trauma has become crushing: for everyone.

In the early days after the Hamas terror attack, many Jews began to wear “bring them home” military dog tags like this image, along with so many other items that are worthy of several blogposts unto themselves. I have been seeing them for 6 months, but only today did I look at the image closely enough to see that the Hebrew and English say different things.

Trauma does this: we don’t see everything when we are traumatized. It causes so many different symptoms that impact our ability to process and be grounded in reality. Terror leads to trauma which triggers intergenerational trauma and epigenetic changes to our hormones which further impacts our processing abilities. Trauma leads to splitting, dissociation and other symptoms that are intended to protect us from the traumatizing reality within which we are living, while the unconscious can work to heal and make sense of a world that is too scary. For more on this, click here. I am a second generation Holocaust survivor. No matter how much therapy I do, it will always be deep within me…

Colonial trauma and its impact on the development of Judaism

This is why healing practices are part of the daily spiritual practices that are central to Judaism. We need them. We would not have survived without them. They help regulate us and heal us. If ever there was a religious tradition that can help a people cope and make sense of persecution and trauma, I believe it is Judaism. At least, the ancestral teachings of Judaism as articulated primarily through traditional and Hasidic Judaism: but hopefully reformed in such a way that it continues to evolve with our evolving understanding of human rights as the planet continues to evolve (despite the colonial forces that are trying to make us move backward.

The Judaism that I believe in is an adaptive spiritual practice- at its core. The ancient biblical religion evolved into both Judaism and Christianity. Christianity’s message that Jesus sought to teach became warped by the colonizing emperor Constantine. But Judaism’s persecutions were also its inoculations. Judaism evolved without significant access to power or authority, which limited how much corruption influenced its theological evolution. Jews became “the people of the book” rather than “the people of the land”. We have learned how to adapt… translating ancient biblical and agricultural practices into something mobile. We even call G!d HaMakom which literally means “the Place” to reflect the understanding that we were forced to adopt, which is that we connect to G!d, not through land-based practices but through spiritual and intellectual activities. Our religious tradition is grounded in agricultural practices but we have had to reinterpret it so that it is portable and so that it can live as we seek to stay alive.

Early Classical Reform Jews even went so far as to state that synagogues (not a Jewish word) should be called temples, to reflect the biblical house of worship (the Biblical Temple), but to align with this idea that we are not land-based and we should not aspire for a messianic era when we can rebuild the third Temple in Jerusalem, but rather, wherever we are, we should make that our temple and work to make the messianic era wherever we are. Instead of waiting for a messiah, we should each do our part to bring peace now. For more on this, click here. Of course, everything changed after the Holocaust and the “birth of the modern state of Israel”. Regardless of our feelings about this historic event, one thing is certain: Jews do not have much experience being in power. Generations of living in ghettos and suffering pogroms and so many other traumas have left their intergenerational footprint upon our soul and psyche and genes.

We Jews are a traumatized people. I say it lovingly and with deep heart-breaking grief and recognition. Our story is one of deep intergenerational trauma and homelessness: from the biblical period’s description of Abraham leaving his ancestral home without a place to go, only to have his wife taken by a foreign king and to have lost contact with his son Ishmael… to the exile and deportation of the ten lost tribes of Israel in 722 BCE which led to their assimilation/disappearance, to the destruction of the first Temple of Jerusalem in 586 BCE to the destruction of the second Temple in 70 CE to the leaders of the Bar Kokhba revolt being sold into slavery (very likely part of my lineage). These Jewish dissidents were sent to what is part of the colonial soviet empire or scattered to the four corners of the earth to countless stories of exile and persecution and genocide, from the Crusades to the Holocaust and so much more…. We Jews are a traumatized/colonized people that have been so homeless for so long (despite constantly praying to be allowed to return to Jerusalem), that the epigenetic markers of trauma are deeply embedded in us. For more on our millennial quest for a home that has consistently been denied, please click here. The problem is that we have not healed from this intergenerational trauma and it continues to haunt us, albeit very differently depending upon each of our intersectional positionalities.

Trauma: the narrowing of perception

Clinicians, scholars and those with lived experience all describe the phenomenon of trauma as the narrowing of perception. The Hebrew Bible calls our ancient Egyptian bondage “Mitzrayim” which literally means the place of our narrowness, and indeed, the Hebrew word for narrow is the same as difficulty or trauma: “tzar” or in Yiddish “tzuris” for “trouble”. Indeed, when trauma narrows our perception, we are all in trouble. When we can’t see the whole picture, because our trauma has taken control of us, we become shackled. We become shackled to our past, our perception and our trauma. We reenact old pains and further deepen their power over us and our legacy. The trauma of our past becomes the blueprint for how we view the present and it shapes the decisions we make, thereby shaping our future. Trauma skews our perception and makes us vulnerable to manipulation. This is true on a collective and an individual level.

And so it is that these dog tags, which in English, reads the prayer: “bring them home”, in Hebrew it says: “our hearts are held captive in Gaza”. Sadly, this is very true. Our Jewish hearts are held captive by terror which is activating intergenerational trauma which is activating the Holocaust fears that have been imprinted upon our genes and our psyches for generations. The two sentences are different, but so unconsciously linked, that it is as if they are the same. From a traumatized perspective, it seems justified: until the hostages are returned, it is permissible to drop bombs on hospitals… even on the hostages themselves. This is the ultimate example of blinding trauma: the IDF shooting at their own Israeli hostages. And tragically, even this error was not enough to awaken from this nightmare.

Israelism: a conversionary trauma response with colonial funding

As the Israelism documentary describes, many of us have been raised with trauma that has bonded us to Israel in ways that make it difficulty to see clearly. There are many examples, but we don’t recognize them, in part because they are not unique to Jews: many religious faith traditions rely on similar strategies, but they have different goals. Israelism reflects the doctrine of Judaism as reinterpreted to align with Zionism. One of the major methods is summer camps that many Jews attended when they were 7 or 8 years old. Often, this was the first time that a child was away from their home and family, making them especially vulnerable. One common and popular activity that helped to lay the traumatizing connection to Israel for many Jewish children were experiential educational programs where teenage camp counselors “educated” their campers by reenacting Holocaust experiences, chasing them and sometimes behaving in violent or violating ways. I have heard more stories than I care to relate about significant sexual violence in such camps, during such activities. The children were taught to understand what had happened to their ancestors by trying to run to safety in Israel, which was often a cafeteria with ice cream. There they were told that, without Israel, this will happen again. Given the sad fact that antisemitism exists and some Jewish children do face bullying and conversionary/evangelizing practices, it feels pretty believable. For example, I was assaulted in the subway in Montreal, by neo-Nazis, when I was 15, because I was wearing a star of David. This made me especially vulnerable when I went to my own “free trip” to Israel that was sponsored by the Jewish community. I then returned, armed with my own conversionary zeal. I share this to try to explain why it is so complicated.

For example, many in the Jewish community were “educated” with high school experiences like March of the Living, where they went to Poland and visited the extermination camps and then went to Israel where they were encouraged to get on their knees as soon as they landed and kiss the only land that would rescue Jews WHEN the world once again decided to kill us. These are just a few examples of the deeply conversionary experiences that served as many people’s “Israelism” education, so that Jewish youth could learn, understand and “develop a relationship with Israel”. The colonial funding of these activities is worthy of its own blog, and I have written about it previously, but here is a link to some of it, and here is a link to more. These educational strategies to convey the importance of Israel to several generations of Jews have also conveyed deep intergenerational trauma and a version of history, that -like every historical account- is subjective. This is why I believe that so many Jews are now unable to see or make sense of the ways in which Israelism has so deeply deviated from the foundational tenets of Judaism like the importance of protecting every life as our most sacred duty. The trauma is blinding.

Early (Classical) Reform Jews were very opposed to Zionism, and actively organized against it, and many Some Ultra-Orthodox Jews also opposed Zionism for similar reasons: in a messianic era (which I have come to think of as a decolonized future of Truth, Reconciliation and Restorative Justice of Jubilee liberation). While Reform Judaism remained primarily anti-Zionist for many years, it is now primarily Zionist as a movement, as Israelism tactics began, first through the camp movement, “educating” children with activities like I describe above and others.

And then came October 7th. This horrific war has served as a wake up call for many of us: the thousands and thousands of children in Gaza who have been killed is soul crushing. It is gut wrenching to consider how many are starving right now, While the war makes sense to the traumatized ones who live in the upside down colonial world of Israelism, growing numbers of us are awakening to the horror, and horrified at our complicity. The Israeli military response over the last six months are, in my rabbinic opinion, a clear violation of the Jewish teachings of “pikuach nefesh” which teach that we should do everything we can to protect life. The Torah states in Deuteronomy that we should not so much as hurt a fruit tree during war, and later Orthodox rabbis clarify that this injunction applies to everyone for all times. These Jewish teachings stand in stark contrast to the actions of Netanyahu, no less than the teachings of Jesus stand in stark contrast to the violence of the Christian church, and the Muslim teachings of the prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) stand in stark contrast to the actions of Hamas.

But this is the tragic power of trauma to blind us. No less than tomorrow’s eclipse will block the sun’s light, so too is the Light of Torah eclipsed because of our unhealed intergenerational trauma. We are held hostage by it, reactivated by terrorism, and in our traumatic reenactment, we are creating the very antisemitism that then justifies (in our traumatized/traumatizing minds) our behaviors. How on earth, in a logical world, could war lead to lasting peace? How can the children who are lucky enough to survive the IDF’s acts of war not want to grow up and seek revenge? This is why my only prayer and hope for peace must include trauma therapy for everyone.

Awakening compassion and healing

The traumatized/traumatizing response of Israel upon Gaza has created severe polarizing chasms. For me, it has served as an awakening, especially as this year has also been the year of my coming out of my gender closet and a much more comprehensive healing awakenng. For too long, I had agreed to the “shalom bayit” compromise: since I did not live in Israel, I should not tell them what to do. I had complicated feelings about Israel, having gone through my own Israelism conversionary experiences. But I also became involved in Rabbis for Human Rights when I lived in Jerusalem. My decision to speak at my first ceasefire rally was really difficult, as I outlined in my blog: Love letter to my Muslim Brother. But I am a vegan and a pacifist, and my primary goal for myself this year (and beyond) is to live as authentically as I can. Finding my voice and being true to myself: these are important spiritual pursuits that compel me to write this blog.

I am a trauma therapist and a mediator, and I am committed to decolonizing myself and the world around me. I know that it is possible to heal trauma and I understand that truth, reconciliation and restorative justice can yield much better outcomes than continuing to do the same things that got us into this situation. I am a rabbi and a second-generation Holocaust survivor and I cannot stay silent. Even if my Jewish siblings wish I would and even if they cannot listen, my hope is that non-Jews will read this and maybe understand what seems completely impossible to understand: how can people who experienced a genocide do to others what was done to them? In many ways, my goal of “never again” is now to try to fight against the antisemitism that is caused by the Jewish community’s current traumatized/traumatizing activities in Gaza.

People with unhealed trauma reenact it on others. This is exactly the way colonization works: we internalize the trauma and reenact it on people who are even more disenfranchised than ourselves. It is not different than the way bullying works: unhealed trauma creates a maladaptive chain of violence, where the kid that is picked on picks on someone else who might be an even more effective target for the bully to try to create a distraction from themselves.

But the solution to lateral violence is not more violence: it is lateral kindness. It is not new: the rabbis talked about it two thousand years ago, when colonial forces destroyed the second temple in the year 70 CE. They stated that “sinat chinam” or senseless hatred is what destroyed us, and that what would heal us would be “ahavat chinam” or senseless love. Choosing to respond to hate with Love: this is true religion. Certainly, our shared scriptures call to love our neighbor as ourselves reflects this principle. What I am saying is not radical, although most of my colleagues would likely disagree with me right now, due to their own trauma. Still, to me, never again means never again for anyone. I am also a Classical Reform Jew, which is to say, I am very focused on the spirit of the law rather than the letter of the law. I am also informed by Jewish Renewal, Kabbalah and a new decolonizing approach to Judaism that I am calling “Restorative Judaism” founded on the principles of restorative justice.

Unhealed trauma as a type of spiritual slavery

When I read the biblical narrative of Exodus, I interpret it based upon the Hasidic and mystical teachings of Judaism that explain that Mitzrayim does not refer to Egypt, but rather our internal bondage. According to these traditional Jewish teachings, which I also understand clinically, from a trauma-informed perspective, we each have our own internalized pharaoh (which I understand therapeutically as the internalization of external colonial traumatizing messages/aka the voices of people who have hurt us and taught us to hurt ourselves). These inner pharaoh voices harden our hearts, so that, even the ultimate plague of the death of our children does not convince us to choose liberation. The biblical text describes how Pharaoh’s heart was hardened and he was unmoved. This corresponds to the dissociation of trauma noted above, and also the Hebrew that is on the dog tags: our hearts are captive in Gaza.

This is how I make sense of the responses of my Jewish siblings: they have so much intergenerational trauma, and current trauma, and have been indoctrinated so heavily and with such trauma, that it is almost impossible to see clearly. Earlier this week, I had the opportunity to speak with legendary trauma expert, Dr. Gabor Mate, who has written extensively about Israel, Zionism and trauma. He described the current response of many in the Jewish community to the horrific genocide and starvation of Gaza as “psychosis” in that it is detached from reality due to trauma. The word “psychosis” feel painfully wounding and I prefer the word “dissociation”, but it does help me understand. It does not make it right, but it speaks to the need for trauma-informed interventions for both sides. Our hearts are held captive in Gaza. Our hearts are in bondage: our hearts are hardened by scar tissue that is programmed by thousands of years of intergenerational Jewish trauma. The degree to which we can see and discern this is reflective of the degree to which we are held captive by trauma and terror.

Six Months

And so, on this six month mark, in addition to committing to a weekly practice of standing alongside a growing number of people protesting the genocide, with my self-created signs that says “Jews say: ceasefire now” and “Never again means never again for anyone”, organizing with my Muslim and Arab siblings, and ensuring that they feel my solidarity as an expression of my own prayers for peace, I am also doubling down on my commitment to building healing alternative resources. And, I am taking stock of my own grief and trauma. My heart is heavy with grief and trauma. Deeply. Just because I have landed in a different place than many of my Jewish siblings and colleagues, does not mean that I am not wounded and grieving. In fact, in some ways, it feels more painful because it is so isolating. That said, I draw strength and comfort in knowing that I am being true to myself and my understanding of what G!d seeks: peace and healing.

And on this six month mark, I offer this prayer of healing… for all of us… because we are all wounded/wounding. We can’t not be, at some level, because we live in a wounded/wounding world. It is like a sponge immersed in water: it will get wet. And for those who do not see that wounded/wounding are two sides of the same coin, then I offer extra prayers of healing because that inability to see reflects deep unconscious trauma.

And for those who believe that I am not aware of the wounding nature of my own words, I am. I assure you that I am struggling to find the right words and know that they will never reach the hearts of those I most want them to reach, because trauma cannot be healed through words… this is the point of somatic therapy. And so, this may be one of my last posts on this topic for a while… because I am trying to go for a harm reduction approach, where I will focus on healing practices, meditation and prayer… because calling out injustice and pain only amplifies the polarizing chasm. My goal is to be a vessel for healing. I am speaking out is important because not enough rabbis are being public, intentional and explicit in their condemnation of genocide (because of the fear of lateral violence). I am speaking out in the spirit of the Jewish commandment of “tochechah” which is a rabbinic concept of loving truth-telling. Killing is wrong. Two wrongs do not make a right. It is that simple. Judaism does not believe in genocide, and if Israelism demands it, then I believe that Israelism is reflecting traumatized/traumatizing colonial beliefs. And I am speaking out because my goal, at this point, is harm reduction: how can I prevent antisemitism and help encourage more people to awaken. I believe that there is only one side: the side of Life. I reject the false Israelism-fueled idea that to advocate for ceasefire is to advocate for another Holocaust. I believe that it is possible for there to be Truth and Reconciliation, not just in Canada, but across this colonized planet. And I am dedicating myself to advocating and praying for this.

So I will speak truth now, today, like planting a seed that I understand will not take root immediately. Some seeds need time to grow roots that must push deep into the earth, in the darkness, before they can become strong enough to grow and become the plants that they were created to become. May the seeds of peace soon grow into trees under which both Jews and Palestinians may find rest and refuge… May we soon witness the miraculous growth of these seeds of hope and peace and healing that are being planted by growing numbers of Jews and people of faith who believe that a healing alternative is possible.

But I know that truth-telling is not always effective, because us humans we have these unconscious defense mechanisms that often narrow our perception so we can’t absorb painful truths until we do our therapeutic healing work. In general, every strong angry emotion usually contains within it, the seeds of healing that needs to be done. I also recognize that advocacy can be its own traumatizing activity: continuing to speak out and feel not heard reactivates old traumas too. Ultimately the goal is healing: for everyone. We may disagree on the way to heal, but we do share this same prayer: to heal and live in peace. So here is another resource that might help heal intergenerational trauma, focusing on somatic therapy and below is a prayer for healing (for ourselves, for one another, for our world).

Praying for healing

Today, on the six month tragic anniversary of the Hamas attack, I pray for a comprehensive peace that we can barely imagine but for which I believe we all nevertheless pray for- with every yearning fiber of our being. We may all disagree on how it will happen, but in our collective prayers for Shalom/Salaam let us each, in our own way, beg our Creator to create miracles for our “Holy Land”. Let us send out Love, Light and prayers for compassionate awakening that G!d’s Will be done.

This song I am sharing along with my own broken prayers for healing, contains the biblical words of Moses for his sister Miriam after she cursed him and then became ill. Moses’ compassionate prayer for her was perhaps the raw ingredient for healing that we most need right now in order for a miracle to happen. He prayed “El na r’fa na lah: Eternal One, please send Your Healing”.

If you choose to play this video, please take a moment to stop, honor the dead, pray for the living and do what you can to channel prayerful thoughts and energy for Healing Love, Light and Peace to begin soon and speedily… Take a deep breath, and as you exhale, release the grief and fear and try to visualize breathing in Healing Light and Energy… and letting this warm golden Light flow through you… that we may become vessels for healing…