Due to popular request, I am resharing this article that I wrote. It was first published in 2009 and then again in 2013 in The Reform Advocate, which was the publication of the Society for Classical Reform Judaism, an organization which I helped to start in 2008, as part of my long-held advocacy for an inclusive and progressive Reform Jewish community that is grounded in a social justice ethos and an unconditional embrace of interfaith marriage and a welcome for people of all genders and sexual orientations. To read the original article, and the journal in which it was first published, click here, or read on as I am reposting it here. I wrote this article in 2009, but sadly, the world continues to have too many gatekeepers trying to stop people who love each other from being together for all sorts of reasons. And so, I will keep advocating for all those who continue to be rejected by a dynamic that I now understand to be “lateral violence” and a reaction to colonial trauma.
Statistically, the majority of Jews across Turtle Island marry non-Jews. This trend has only increased over the years. Yet it continues to be so very difficult to find rabbis willing to officiate their marriages, let alone co-officiate with other clergy of different religious traditions- especially in Canada. When they do, they often have lists of hoops through which people have to jump, or promises that must be made, or classes that must be taken… all of which I find deeply problematic. I reread this article that I wrote so many years ago and am reminded that I have been advocating for inclusion for so long, and in so many different ways and for so many different groups of people.
I pray that the time will come when more of us can understand that no one has the right to tell consenting adults what they can do with their lives or who they are allowed to love and marry. G!d is Love: I pray that the day will soon come when everyone has a right to live a life where Love and Joy and Healing are realities that are blessed by all organized communities of faith. This article represents one of my early efforts to try to advocate for my colleagues to begin to understand that their rejection of people seeking their blessing was deeply harmful, as well as inconsistent with the religious tenets that they claim to espouse. I am reposting, years later, with this same prayer. May these words inspire more of my colleagues to welcome all who seek their blessing.
A Pastoral Lens to Interfaith Marriage
A snapshot of a couple that allegedly is destroying the Jewish people:
“I feel devastated… Like I got kicked in the stomach. I mean, I’ve known this Rabbi all my life. He bat mitzvahed me. He confirmed me… I just always thought that he would marry me. But he just looked at me, shook his head and told me that he wouldn’t. He said that we were destroying the Jewish people. I don’t understand. I am so happy with John. I love him so much. He treats me so well. It’s not like I don’t love Judaism too. We wouldn’t have come to him if Judaism wasn’t important to us.”
They sit in front of me — her crying, him handing her a tissue and rubbing her back. His face is concerned and confused. He leans over and says to me: “I’m not even really Christian but my parents are. In fact, they keep telling us that their minister will be happy to marry us. But I don’t know, Christianity never really made sense to me as a faith, growing up, so why would I want to have a minister marry me now? It seems opportunistic. Besides which, I know that she would not feel comfortable with that either. And, I mean, like I said, I don’t even think of myself as Christian. I never really did. I never felt I could ask questions. I never really fit in… So I don’t understand, because it’s not like it’s even really an interfaith marriage. It’s just that I don’t know enough right now to say that I would want to convert. I mean, I like Judaism, and I love the way her family has welcomed me in. I love the lighting of the candles and the warmth… It’s just that he wanted me to make all these promises. And I couldn’t make them… because I just don’t know. I mean, I don’t even know if we will have children, and there he was asking me to make all these promises.”
She goes on: “I just thought he’d be happy for me…happy that I was in love. But I just felt condemned. Like who I was, and what I had chosen for myself, were not good enough…
And then we went and asked my Hillel Rabbi, who told us the same thing. I had been so active in college, and we had gotten close, you know? I thought he would understand that if I was asking, it was because Judaism was still important to me. But he said that our marriage was what was wrong with the Jewish people. He told me about how Hitler was going to have a posthumous victory because of people like us. That was harsh. Who is he to judge us? How does he know what we are going to do? I was so embarrassed in front of John…like how could I be so devoted to a people that judged me so harshly? I wanted to give up — just run away and go to a Justice of the Peace… I didn’t want to have anything else to do with Judaism. If they won’t accept me for who I am, why should I bother? But it was John who talked me out of it.”
John now speaks up: “I know how much she loves Judaism. How much of a part of her it is. And it does seem really beautiful. Just because I am not ready to make all these promises in an honest and authentic manner does not mean I don’t see its beauty…does not mean I don’t appreciate the way that it makes space for questions… the way it places family and relationship first.” He sighs. “I love her so much. And it’s a part of her. A really beautiful part of her. I don’t want to watch her try to kill that part of herself off, just because she feels hurt and rejected right now. I just kept thinking, there has to be another option…and then my friend told me about you. So, we thought, that, uh, maybe you could help…”
One Rabbinic Response
I sit before them…moved to tears by how much they care about Judaism…how brave it was for them to risk rejection for a third time! These are the people who are destroying the Jewish people? This loving couple that is practically begging for a rabbi to help them find a way to incorporate Judaism into their life together as a couple — these are not the people who are destroying the Jewish people. These are the people who are saving the Jewish people, despite all odds. Because, the claim that our survival is in jeopardy is true. By many objective standards, we do not seem to be growing. But, I disagree with their assessment of the threat. We are losing Jews, not because of who they choose to marry, but because of how we respond to them. The more restrictive our definition for “who is a Jew”, the more we will shrink.
When I am faced, again and again, with couples exactly like this one — thoughtful, loving couples, who so desperately want to be married by a rabbi, and find their place within the Jewish community — I feel awe. I feel tremendous awe for the powerful Jewish spirit that, once again, as it has always done, refuses to be deterred from living its faith on its own terms. And I feel anger. A deep anger and sadness for how fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We are our own worst enemy. The desire to protect the Jewish people is actually turning Jews away.
As a child of a Holocaust survivor, I know, only too well the fear of extinction that is causing so many to react in a narrow and restrictive manner. If we have learned anything from that unspeakably awful experience, than I wish it was that fear is at the root of prejudice, and that giving in to fear is an abdication of faith. The saddest part is that one cannot reason with fear. If only I could somehow reach my colleagues and get them to hear beyond their fears… If only they had a fraction of the faith of this couple that refused to give up hope… There are so many reasons to see intermarriage as a wonderful opportunity to learn, grow and indeed, thrive. I believe that, depending on how we respond to it, intermarriage can be a blessing.
Trying to Reason with Fear
The first and most obvious way in which intermarriage can be a blessing for the Jewish people, is the new possibilities that a personal encounter with Judaism can offer to many non-Jews who do not feel very connected to their faith of birth. Many non-Jews, through their exposure to Judaism eventually incorporate elements of our faith into their lives. For a variety of personal or family reasons, they may or may not always choose to formalize this process through an official conversion, but either way, their presence in our congregations is a huge gift. Through their questions and insights, they bring a new perspective on rituals and beliefs that we may have taken for granted, giving us the opportunity to be renewed in our own faith. Very often, they may inspire their own partners to become more observant, or to attend services more regularly.
In countless ways, these individuals, who come into our communities through intermarriage and choose to stay, to whatever extent, binding their fate with our own, are huge blessings. We owe them our gratitude, not our judgment and suspicion. In countless ways, these individuals, who come into our communities through intermarriage and choose to stay, to whatever extent, binding their fate with our own, are huge blessings. We owe them our gratitude, not our judgment and suspicion.
Of course, not everyone who marries a Jew chooses to live Jewishly. It may be because they have their own religious faith, or it may be because they do not want to be where they are not welcomed or wanted. Nevertheless, such individuals, and their families, can still be a force for good and blessing for the Jewish people. The advent of thousands of non-Jews choosing to link their fate with the fate of Jews means that thousands upon thousands of non-Jews will have a personal stake in fighting anti-Semitism, and given a new reason to stand up in the face of hatred. If the only thing that they know about the Jews is that they rejected their child, just for being in love with a Jew, we will probably have that many less allies in the world. And having countless new advocates, with personal connections to our people, is just as essential in our perennial quest for Jewish continuity.
This is part of my sadness. I understand that the concern over numbers emerges from our own unresolved grief over the millions who perished in the Holocaust. But the way we express our fears does not help to create a world where we can say with certainty: “Never again”. I believe that our challenge is a task of alchemy, namely to transform our dark shadowy legacy into one where ignorance is replaced with understanding, blindness with sight, fear with trust and hatred with love.
This is the real task of Jewish continuity, to liberate ourselves from the specters of our history. How many times do we need to experience Mitzrayim – the biblical Egypt which symbolizes all narrow places that imprison us — to learn how to love those who come to dwell amongst us? The most frequent objection to intermarriage is: the children. How can the children of a minority be brought up, being exposed to the faith of a minority and a majority? Both sides of the debate turn to statistics, of varying degrees of validity, to back up their arguments…
And, so, it is appropriate to note our faith is the Shema and the V’ahavta, namely the command to listen and to love. We are commanded to listen to G!d’s ongoing revelation through love and to respond in love. The challenge of intermarriage is an opportunity to do just that, to listen closely to these couples, and to hear G!d’s word in the powerful love that they embody- in their love for one another, and in their faith that inspires them to risk repeated rejection in order to receive blessing.
And, who are we to withhold blessing? The Sacred is beyond all language and words…and just as I choose to express the Divine with a spelling that moves beyond conventional language, so have I chosen to respond to the challenge of interfaith marriage in a way that also transcends the boundaries and limitations that we impose on the Divine Creation, and one another. This is the theological understanding that calls me to remain open and all-embracing of the many different ways G!d is revealed in human love that do not always fit into the categories of our understanding… through all the different religions, and through all the countless ways in which the Sacred becomes manifest in this world and in our lives.
I believe that… intermarriage can be a blessing. Having a wide and inclusive welcome to those who wish to be part of our family can help us to not only survive, but to thrive. May we soon find the strength to respond to love with love, not fear. May we have faith in Judaism’s resilience and in the holiness that is in every Love. And may we have the courage to trust that G!d is working through love/Love to bring healing to our broken world.
Emerging Torah as Rabbi Nachshon emerges 