Today is day 5 of the Omer count as we seek to integrate the following two spiritual qualities: hod (humility) and hesed (loving-kindness or compassion). The theme of this week is to begin integrate “hesed” or Loving-Kindness into every aspect of ourselves and, in so doing, in the Universe. In this we understand the idea that who we are will impact everything and everyone around us.
We are also reminded of the deeper Wisdom, also contained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), which states that we all have different parts to us. To learn more about this mode of psychotherapeutic healing and how to integrate its principles into your Omer counting practice, click here for a video series that is really clear and easy to understand and has 20 minute videos to explain the concepts. Click here if you are interested in a brief article overview. This approach to therapy can support even self-guided work and reflects an understanding of the psyche that aligns with trauma-informed principles and also Kabbalah. In brief, it is an approach that can help us get in touch with “the true Self” as opposed to the persona we learned to adopt to survive in a wounding world. Unlike the pathologizing lens of the medical world that sees mental health as an illness, IFS understand that we all are impacted by the traumas of this world, and that healing requires making peace with all the parts of us that are wounded/wounding.
Much of the time, we think that to change the world we need to get others to do something different or think differently. We advocate and educate, lobby and threaten… this is the way of this world. We try to convince others to see things our way and debate those who see things differently. Not surprisingly, we wind up burned out and frustrated because while we are pushing one direction, others are fighting to get us to see things their way or do things their way. When we look externally for answers, we risk getting locked in this binary (colonial) status quo: us vs them, right or wrong, good or bad. The spiritual practice of the Omer count reminds us of a different way, one that is in alignment with the IFS model mentioned above: the path to healing the divisions of this world is to heal our own divisions. We do this by discerning our truest Self, the part of us created in the Divine Image.
Kabbalah’s understanding of the universe and of humanity
To understand how Judaism understand our essence as humans, please read this comprehensive article about Adam Kadmon: please click here. Adam Kadmon is literally traslated to mean the first “Adam” or human that is described in chapter one of the book of Genesis. This represents the blueprint for each person: our essence or soul or potential. I want to point out that if you read the link above, or study Kabbalah, you will see the nonbinary/non-dual/decolonizing understanding of gender: we each have both in us. Click here to read about the science for how our energetic blueprint aligns with the energetic blueprint of the Universe, which the kabbalists describe at great length, can also be seen in this non-Jewish reflection on how our consciousness, and reality more broadly, is created by energetic vibrations. I believe that when many truths all say the same thing, then we can understand that these truths are universally relevant. When I decolonize my understanding of Judaism, I try to ensure that I align my understanding of our tradition with science, other religious teachings, first nation ancestral teachings and lived experience. If all these align, and follow life-giving and healing principles, then I believe that my understanding of Kabbalah is not only grounded in Jewish tradition (which it is) but also reflective of the progressive values that I believe can heal us. At least for me, my lived experience is that they do.
Decolonizing and healing the vessels
Kabbalah explains that G!d is Ruach (Breath/Energy) and that we are vessels built to enable this Sacred Energy to flow through us and into this world. The sefirot (energy centers) are the ways by which G!d does this, sort of like light flows through a stained glass window differently. Each of us are born with a unique pattern of sefirot/traits, encoded in us of how these Divine qualities flow through us. Gender and sexuality are considered part of “yesod” which is the grounding foundation for who we are and how these potentialities flow through us. Lots has been written about this and needs to be translated to a new era, but the principles are enduring. If we are blocked in there (as indeed much trauma of this colonial world can cause), then we will be unable to let Divinity flow through us in a healthy way. Colonization depends upon the vilification of gender and sexuality, due to distorted/distorting understandings and mistranslations. Wars are ways to channel people’s wounded parts into wounding: sexual war crimes and sexual violence in the military (the world over) reflect this tragic colonial pattern.
This is why the repression of gender and sexuality, along with the bottling up of anger (misunderstanding the idea of turning the other cheek/forgiveness) is such an effective strategy, along with injustice and poverty, to compel people to join the military. We can see the recipe in our own day: rising economic injustices can ensure more people enroll in the military for a good pension and rising queerphobia, sexual repression and sexual trauma mean that people are primed for the outlet of sexual violence that happens in wars. Then, the trafficking of war refugees and those turning to drugs to numb out keeps the cycle going, and colonial drug pushers benefit from our lack of consciousness.
None of this reflects what I understand to be the essence of our respective spiritual teachings. But all organized religion has been weaponized (and is often funded by nonprofit foundations designed to perpetuate the status quo). Kabbalah and mystical practices of all religions, along with Indigenous ancestral teachings all reflect a different understanding: we are all related. We are one family of living beings, interdependent upon ourselves and this fragile planet. Love, compassion, kindness and true justice are the ingredients to recalibrate our planet. It is not complicated but it can destabilize our current economic world order. That is also the point of spiritual teachings like the Jubilee or praying for a messianic redemption. Our prayers are for a new world order guided by love and peace: when can we interpret that part of our religious teachings literally?
The Omer practice of integrating ourselves with the Sefirot is sort of like tuning an instrument: when considering the musical note/Divine quality of “hesed” or Loving-Kindness, for example, how does it suffused every part of me? Is it easier to be loving or kind in some situations or with some people? What can I learn about what needs to be healed in me by reflecting upon those parts of me where I struggle to be unconditionally loving and kind?
Tikkun: healing ourselves and healing our universe
The rabbis teach that humans were created to complete the work of creation and engage in tikkun olam (healing the world). This is our purpose on earth to finish the work of creation. Wherever we find imperfection, we should not get angry and say: where are you G!d? Rather, we should look in the mirror and say, where am I? I was created to be a vessel for G!d to work in this world, and wherever G!d is absent, that is my call to step in and embody G!d’s Love. To understand how the Kabbalistic rabbis understand the process of creation and the ways we are created in the Divine Image, so that the Sefirot (Divine qualities of the Kabbalistic tree of life we are integrating into ourselves for each day of the Omer counting) pass from the Source of Creation through the Universe and into ourselves, please click here. Jewish mystical tradition understands Adam Kadmon and the sefirot of the Kabbalistic tree of life to be the blueprint for how we were created.
We were created to be vessels for Divinity and healing… the sacred sparks of potential implanted in each of us are almost like homing devices or magnets that guide us toward our destiny. When we are open, we are guided by the Wisdom, Compassion, Strength, Humility etc of these Sefirot by which G!d’s different qualities can fill us and pour forth into this world. But when we are full of our own trauma, our wounded/wounding self cannot see or think clearly. We forget our essence and purpose and become susceptible to the wounding forces that remind us of our traumas: our protector parts jump in and we react to the present according to the ways our earlier traumas programmed us, rather than letting Torah/G!d’s Light shine through us.
It is a complex process, but briefly, this metaphor can help: if we were to try and fill a glove with water and three of the fingers already had clay in it, the water would have difficulty filling it and the clay would make the water in the glove dirty. Similarly, if trauma has impacted parts of us: I learned young not to show someone that I was angry or I got punished for example, then my repressed anger might manifest in an overcompensation elsewhere. The Torah has been compared to water in that it can help us to recalibrate, but we first have to ensure that every part of us can be open to receive its healing waters and insights. So most of Jewish spiritual practice is designed to help us undo the harms of this world and heal ourselves. It is only the mistranslations and wounding colonial interpretations that cause Judaism (or any religion) to be a tool of war or judgment, rather than healing and compassion.
The Kabbalistic understanding of conflict and war
The development of the human personality and our capacity to be in healthy relationships is intertwined with the evolution of the planet. This is a much deeper topic than possible for this blog post, but if you are interested in more, click here. According to our rabbis, and according to many spiritual teachings and much of psychotherapy, each of us have different parts of us that are often in conflict with other parts of us. We project onto others, and judge in them, what we can’t tolerate in ourselves. When we fight others, we are at war with ourselves. This is true on so many levels: this approach literally is the cause of arguments and war, but it also amplifies our own trauma and dissociation, because it further splits us.
An example of this dynamic: if I am in denial about my anger but am still unconsciously exuding repressed anger, I might trigger someone else who senses my anger or who reacts to a passive-aggressive comment I might make (must be nice to be able to X for instance). Since I am denial about my own anger, I will perceive their reaction as “starting a fight” while I just made “an innocent comment”. I then may express anger but believe that I am responding to theirs, not recognizing my own role in the argument. It may not even be conscious. But, an argument cannot happen with only one person: we have to reflect on what our own role is in maintaining any conflict. And once we see where we are wounded, and understand that our distress is amplified by the ways in which the present reminds us of something unhealed in our past, we can begin to heal that part of ourselves that is being triggered or activated.
The purpose of the Omer Counting
The Omer counting is designed to help us do an internal scan: how am I in alignment with myself, with the world around me, and with the blueprint by which I was created (Adam Kadmon). We are vessels or instruments for G!d’s Light to flow through the universe. Kabbalah understands the wounding of this world to reflect our own woundedness that needs to be healed so we can feel safe enough to let these different qualities flow through us in ways that are life-giving and healing.
When we are in alignment with our true Self/G!d’s Light flows through us. We speak in ways we don’t later regret and we live whole-heartedly. Today’s spiritual integration asks us to look inward to understand how “hod” impacts our loving kindness. “Hod” is sometimes translated as “humility” and sometimes translated as “splendor”. It is also often translated as “surrender” or “gratitude”. We might think, if we use our English (colonial) brains/understanding of words and concepts, that these qualities are different. But they are not: the Hebrew links them together as related concepts.
Today, we reflect on hod briefly as part of our integration of loving-kindness as the building block for our healing, but in a few weeks, we will spend a whole week in prayerful reflection on it. To learn more about hod, click here or a full library of readings from our friends at Chabad can be found here. In the splitting of the meaning of the word “hod” we can understand the splitting of the world: when we don’t understand how surrender is related to splendor, we think that admitting we are wrong is a sign of weakness. When we don’t understand how gratitude is related to humility, we think that we need to overpower to ensure appreciation. In our failure to understand the spiritual roots of our feelings, we create this divisive world. We focus on how things are different instead of how they are the same.
Our world is pathological because it is pathologized: we have been trained to focus on the negative- what is missing, and to focus on what needs to be fixed or cured. Kabbalistic principles invite us to consider what the therapeutic world might call: a strengths based approach. The more we train ourselves to focus on the good, the more we will see that. It is rewiring our brain and the reason why the rabbis say we should say 100 blessings a day. This is the same as the proven therapeutic technique to heal depression: using a gratitude journal or engaging in behavioral activation.
Unlocking the door: Joy as the gateway to healing
I have spoken previously about Joy as a form of resistance that can lead to healing. Lots of traditions teach this. In Judaism, Rebbe Nachman and Rav Arush describe the healing principles of choosing to practice Joy until it fills us. So too, today, with “hod” we are invited to infuse this quality of surrender and humility and gratitude into what we think of as splendor, and to understand how this is an essential part of “hesed” or Loving-Kindness.
We have compassion for others when we have compassion for ourselves. Those who have done recovery work and practiced making amends have learned that on the other side of the learned shame that keeps us from humility or admitting we are wrong comes healing and connection: we are all wounded/wounding. Everyone. It just takes one of us to be brave enough to jump into the sea of shame to understand that we will not drown… we are all in this together. We all inherited this broken world and all of its colonial problems and we are all complicit and hurt and scared and embarrassed and human. We are all struggling. It is less scary to know that we are not alone.
We might feel alone. We live in artificial buildings, separated from each other and nature. We are exhausted because we are each trying to do everything alone. We create businesses that compete with each other instead of sharing resources and overhead. This is all part of the colonial world order that keeps us captive, traumatized and desperate. We may feel like our only survive is to do work that is soul-crushing and in that choice, we begin to die inside, as we disconnect further from our Essence. The more we focus on what is wrong, the more disconnected from our Source we become. We have to choose Joy as the key that opens us up to G!d’s Light and Energy to flow through us.
Healing requires being honest with ourselves
From a spiritual perspective, healing and change happens when we look inward and recognize our own complicity with the systems that hurt us all. Every part of us that reflexively creates separation and division is a wounded/wounding part of us choosing what we know rather than the spiritual principles that are in every religious tradition that teach that we are one family. Judging and pointing fingers are behaviors that indicate internal woundedness no less than a fever indicates infection. If we find ourselves with strong feelings that are disproportionate to the situation at hand (road rage for example) then this is an invitation to consider what in us needs to be healed rather than act on our woundedness. Sadly trauma primes is to act reflexively because this can also help us to survive, so spiritual teachings can help us distinguish between our instincts. Those that guide us toward Love and compassion and unity are healthy, while those that focus on pathology and division are wounded/wounding. We will know if our theology is life-giving by whether it sparks Joy within us. Rebbe Nachman and all the great kabbalists teach: true Joy is not distraction or laughing at someone else. True Joy is compassion and the fuel that enables G!d’s Love to fill us and fill our world.
Today’s Omer Counting: Hesed and Hod
Today’s Omer counting invites us to integrate “hesed” with “hod”: in what ways can humility and letting go teach me gratitude and create the splendor that makes Loving-Kindness possible? Step one: unlearn what we were taught about humility by colonial mistranslations and misinterpretations that perpetuate the status quo. Colonizing religion tells us to be humble and means: abase yourself. We are taught we are sinners by our mere existence and holiness comes from repressing ourselves, our anger, our sexuality, our feelings. Repressing ourselves amplifies shame. But shame maintains the status quo: we are easier to manipulate and less likely to trust each other and compare notes and work collaboratively to heal.
Repressive and judgmental religion is the fuel for colonization. It also robs us of our Joy and is the reason we are all so burned out. When we believe that some feelings or aspects of ourselves are sinful or wrong, we are more likely to be out of alignment with our purpose on earth, and therefore easier to manipulate. Dr. Gabor Mate talks about how anger is an important feeling for healthy brain development for example, and when we tell kids not to be angry, their brains don’t develop properly. Anger is not the problem: often it is warranted and necessary. Anger that is not managed properly is the problem, because then it becomes violent and divisive.
So humility is not about believing one’s self to be inadequate or inferior. It is not about abasing one’s self so someone else is higher. The hierarchy is the problem. Humility us recognizing that we are just as important as every other living being: no more and no less. Our existence is interdependent with that of everyone else. It means the overcompensation of the ego gives way to gratitude that we are part of a larger whole and together we can figure it out better than we could alone.
Hod and Hesed: a Recipe for Peace
Today’s Omer counting invites us to consider how humility and stepping back, especially in moments of conflict, can lead us to healing. In moments of intractable differences, can we let go of our perspective and try to see things from the perspective of the other person? Colonization taught us that this is weakness but Jewish tradition and mystical/spiritual/Indigenous practices the world over teach that this is what will heal us: seeing ourselves through the eyes of the other. If we were in their shoes, how might we feel? Instead of focusing on how we are different, can we see how we are the same? If we can’t, what in us is scared to do so and needs to be healed?
Japanese martial arts such as Jujutsu , Aikido and Judo teach about “joining with the resistance” as a strategy for conflict. Instead of fighting, we will find that arguments are maintained when both sides let go of their weapons. And how do we do that? By feeling safe. How can we feel safe? By reconnecting to the parts of us that are still scared, and joining with them? What taught those parts of us to fear and can we try to live in the present instead of letting the past control us? The only way for the past to not repeat itself is to try something different: compassion and humility can lead us to deeper healing.
But of course it is not enough. The 49 permutations of the Kabbalistic tree of life over the course of the Omer counting is one way to try to work toward this healing. And like ripple effects, the Kabbalistic understanding is that every aspect of our inner healing can heal our planet, because we are each blueprints of the Divine. The more we understand ourselves, the more we can understand others. The more compassion we show ourselves, the more we have for others.
This lesson is one I understood conceptually before this year, but one year since coming out of my gender closet, as I am just beginning to find myself and heal, the wisdom of these teachings resonate even more fully. May the time come soon when we will all feel strong enough to let go of the need to be right, so that we can recognize each other’s woundedness. Then, may we join hands together and move forward with compassion and humility, gratitude and loving-kindness, with G!d’s Light radiating through us and into this world…
Emerging Torah as Rabbi Nachshon emerges 