Tonight’s service had a few technical glitches… the worst is that somehow two different Zoom links went out. So some of you were on one Zoom link, waiting for the service to start, while others of you joined on the Zoom link that I was on… For everyone that was waiting in a different Zoom waiting room, I am so very sorry. At the bottom of this blog is the recording of the service you missed. I pray you eventually went and did something healing and restful….
There is a lot that I can say about all of this: there are many organizing details behind this service… several people from the Union of Reform Judaism, help me get the registration link set up and help start the Zoom, because we use their account. I am grateful to them for the administrative details that they are able to support, given that I do this as a volunteer, and have multiple other commitments that I am also juggling (especially this month)… however, what this also means is that information is scattered in different places, and with different people, and is shared with the growing list of different communities I also am supporting, as growing numbers of people across Turtle Island and beyond feel disenfranchised by their own communities. While it is very unifying to have so many people, some joining as individuals, and some as larger communities, gathering around a potluck and livestreaming or listening as they sit on their patios or go for a walk, it also has the potential for information fragmentation and error, because the information is shared through multiple means.
Although I have some theories, I don’t know exactly where tonight’s communication snafu/technical glitch went wrong, but recognize that I have been juggling multiple commitments at the same time. Ultimately, I am working to identify ways of streamlining and restructuring myself and how I do things, so that I can feel less scattered/less likely to make a mistake. There may be other factors as well, but this is the part I can control. It can be useful to do a deeper dive in where the error happened, so that I can figure out how to ensure that it does not happen again. I think I have a plan, which helps me feel better… a “swiss cheese” strategy to reduce the risk of error for the future. In particular, I am very grateful that I have begun recording my services, so for those who missed it live, you can watch it now.
I am working on not blaming myself for the ways that I am human and therefore imperfect. I am getting much better at this, but on nights like tonight, I am reminded that I still have more work to do to decolonize myself, and heal from the colonial need to be perfect. Colonization and white supremacy culture tend to idealize perfectionism, as a strategy to make people feel badly about themselves and therefore easier to manipulate. If we are used to getting punished/blamed for making mistakes, then we are likely to blame ourselves and feel ashamed, or blame others to try to avoid getting punished or feeling badly. To learn more about the relationship between colonization and perfectionism, please click here.
Perfectionism reinforces the idea that there is only one right way of doing things… theologically, I understand that this is actually a form of idolatry: to try to be perfect when only G!d is perfect… and the Kabbalists actually say that even G!d is in need of healing. For more on this idea, click here. Regardless of one’s theology, embracing our imperfections is a sign of our humanity. But it is hard to do because it is uncomfortable: it feels unfamiliar and there is a colonized part of me that still is conditioned to be critical and blaming/shaming of myself, or trying to figure out who or what else I can blame. It takes time to unlearn old colonial thinking habits and keep healing… I am working on this and plan to spend Shabbat working to heal myself further… I am comforted in knowing that I am not alone… we are all struggling with this same dynamic, which in itself, when we understand this, is a huge relief. This is actually related to one of the things I talked about in tonight’s service: how to create the spiritual practices and habits that allow us to focus on what went right instead of what went wrong, on what is good instead of what is bad… and learning to connect with each other in ways that are affirming.
This is how we can begin to heal from the blame/shame/punish/abuse culture that is colonization and intergenerational trauma… Colonization relies upon organized religion to identify sins, the medicine-as-profit system to identify pathology, the prison/police/military profit complex to punish what is criminal/evil/of the “enemy”… and the larger culture to focus on what is wrong and needs to be fixed, or what is lacking and needs to be purchased. We are taught to focus on how we are different from each other and what is missing… A healthy spirituality focuses on connection and healing and forgiving… embracing our imperfection and cultivating an open heart of gratitude and an open mind of curiosity that is willing to question, unlearn and evolve… seeing every “imperfection” as something that either needs to be healed or examined more closely to discern the hidden blessings/opportunities beneath the stigma or label… I describe it further in tonight’s service and my reflections on the Torah portion of the week.
I share it here with my apology to those who were waiting because they had a different (not wrong) Zoom link than the one that I and others were using… I believe I posted two different links in multiple different ways… but luckily, I had a backup plan of recording it, so I offer it here along with my prayer that whatever it is that you yourself might also be struggling to accept or heal will somehow work out better than you feared, and that every imperfection or mistake will lead us all back to the opportunity to experience grace, unconditional Love and healing blessings of liberation from the colonial need to be right or perfect…
May this Shabbat give us opportunities to be freed from our expectations of ourselves and those of others… and may we work on healing ourselves and letting go of all beliefs that no longer serve us.. May tonight’s service recording assist, and may this Shabbat bring us all Shalom… May the time soon come when everyone can find their way to a sense of safety and belonging, Love, peace and healing… and may our healing help us to become healing vessels for one another.
Emerging Torah as Rabbi Nachshon emerges 